I know not many people read these sorts of things, if any, and they all seem to be somewhat similar. But I’m not depressed or suicidal, yet I know what it’s like to be depressed and suicidal. But for the most part, I was able to end up controlling it.
People I’ve never met know this more so than anyone I know in real life. Very few people care to know about it, and in person, there’s very few I’d ever tell. I’ve told my sister, but that’s about it.
But the main reason I’m spending time to write this is because I want all the people who feel alone, depressed, unwanted, useless, pathetic, or feel like giving up: to know that you’re not alone. I’ve been in the exact position as you.
I was 14 years young when it all started. I had two best friends, a guy and a girl, who ended up dating for a week and a half. They broke up and I of course supported the girl who I was closer to at the time. After a month, the guy asked me out. I had had a “crush” I guess you could say on him for a long time. So, being young and immature, in the spur of the moment, I gladly said yes. I had forgotten that my girl best friend had gotten broken up by him not too long ago, and she got rather mad at me. We discussed it for a while, and eventually moved on from it. I was with him for nearly 11 months, but things seemed to get iffy. I mean, I “loved” him, and he claimed the same. Until I realized he was getting particularly flirty with my girl best friend again. They were talking all the time through instant messaging and phone. One night, I walked to the computer where she was sitting, and I saw her talking to him, and she quickly x’ed out of it. Soon after, he broke up with me.
I found out they had been really flirty over the computer, and talked excessively all the time. I was “broken-hearted”. It didn’t help that at home my family was a mess. My step dad was very verbally abusive. And tended to do worse towards my mother. He craved arguing. He found something wrong in a matter, or found the wrong in someone, and pointed it out and caused problems. We called the cops on him one day, for crossing the line. My mom was always crying, and she’s the strongest woman I know. She was staying with him because she figured she could change him, but let me remind you guys, you can never change anyone, they have to change themselves.
While this is going on, I wasn’t the most attractive as well. People mocked me, called me fat, annoying, weird, ugly. The typical high school bullying. I had some friends, but I felt I lost all of them when my “best friends” decided to get back together after barely a week. I was torn, having to see them every day together, every day I had no where to turn to. I had no one to turn to, at least I thought. I was SO sick of hearing constant fighting at home, constant bullying at school, constantly faking to be happy and smile. We then found out as well, that the landowner was selling our house, so we would be getting kicked out. Nothing was going right.
I was depressed. I cried every night, ever single night my mind tortured me. I believed myself to be pathetic, hopeless, alone, stupid, useless, worthless, and all of the words people had called me. Not only that, but memories battled me, I didn’t want to remember, I didn’t want to have to see him every day, his beautiful blue eyes, but I did.. I could barely look at him, or anyone for that matter. My grades dropped, and everything was at the lowest point in my life. I brought a blade to my wrists, I barely ate, and constantly I told myself I wasn’t worth anything to anyone.
People look at this, and think, “How could you ever harm yourself? How could you ever feel like killing yourself?” Well let me tell you this, I’ve thought that way before too. How could anyone ever harm their holy temple (body) that God gave us? How could anyone be so selfish as to end their own life? Well, to be honest, that couldn’t be answered until I reached that point. I thought suicide to be a selfish, ignorant act. Which, in ways it is. But, I couldn’t see how someone could quite bring themselves to it. Until, I reached it.
No one will quite ever understand what you have to go through to feel like killing yourself, or even to self harm.. Until they’ve been in that position. I would take walks, try to get some fresh air, away from the family and prison cell I was contained in. But one day, the fresh air wasn’t enough any more. The constant arguing was permanent in my head, the constant thoughts at war in my head, screaming at me telling me,
“YOU’RE USELESS. YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE!”,
“NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU, Naomi!”,
“YOU’RE FAT, YOU’RE UGLY, YOU MEAN NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING NAOMI!”
I can probably say that my thoughts were the thing that I battled with the most. Of course my emotions had a big part in it, but my thoughts, my mind is a terrible place sometimes. After some time, the tears stopped flowing, I became numb to pain, and the fighting was sort of rhythmic. My mother did everything in her power to help keep my sister in good hands. Shortly after, my dog Kayla was killed in a hit and run. I was sick of everything. I couldn’t talk to anyone, but then I remembered who I was…
At the point of uselessness, where you have no one to go to or no where to feel safe because your mind is a trap in itself, at that point I remembered I was a Christian.
I remembered God. I remembered a verse…
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord and depart from evil.
After this, I remembered I had God to pray to, and that I needed to depart fromthe evil in my life, and stop being prideful.
So I did the first thing that came to my mind that I should had done a long time before that; I prayed.
Nonbelievers of God would find this silly, or stupid, sometimes pathetic.. But it was my last resort at the time, the only thing that I knew was right.
And God spoke to me, He comforted me. He told me He was there… When no one else was. He helped me stop cutting, helped me rid of my suicidal and terrible thoughts. God helped me get my life back together, and that’s what happened.
My mom separated with my step dad, we got a place to live, and I cleaned up. Of course, I had been to bad stages in my life again. Only 3 times in my life have I gotten REALLY bad, but I overcame them all. All of them I overcame with the love of God.
What I’m saying is, you may feel no one is there, you may not even believe in God, but I am 100% convinced that God is real. And I know that He will protect you and provide for you if you put your life into His hands.
Also, with that being said, you’re NOT alone. If you need someone to talk to, someone to help give you some advice, or simply someone to have listen, I WILL BE THAT PERSON.
Remember, losing a guy isn’t the end of the world. Love can be extremely difficult, life can be like a prison sometimes, and people can let you down a lot… But it’s not the end of the world. Your life is a precious gift, all of us have some sort of potential and talent. All of us have some sort of worth. No one’s life is more precious than someone else’s. No one said life would be easy, but it’s how you handle it, will be your outcome. Build from the past, don’t let it destroy you. Learn from your mistakes, don’t let them torment you. Find the things in life that make you happy and engulf your time and thoughts into those things.
My story may not be as horrible as yours.. My parents may have been married and separated a few times and I may have not had the greatest of lives, but I haven’t been through a parental loss or losing a sibling, or being raped, or an abortion, or a severe burn, or cancer… So I haven’t had complete severity.. But I do know my personal battles, and they can be hard! But you can get through them, never think that you can’t.